I'm calling it - it's official. I'm going off the grid.
Let me take a step back to explain. Tonight I was chatting with a single friend, in her thirties, who has a birthday coming up around the corner. She was bemoaning the fact that yet another year had passed, and here she was, still single, still dating like a fiend and no closer to a long term relationship than she had been a year prior.
I totally get that perspective. As a year's worth of milestones roll by, the single woman constantly ticks off one missed goal after another. Another summer of cottage weekends as a third wheel with your friends and their husbands, another round of holidays at Thanksgiving and Christmas where you attend family and work functions alone. Valentine's Day where you either ignore it all together, or go out for drinks with your single friends and scowl at the lovebirds.
On and on it goes, and at each marker, somewhere, whether it is rooted in her sub-conscious or actually spoken out loud, the single girl vows that this time next year, I'LL HAVE A BOYFRIEND, a partner, a husband. Sometimes it is said through gritted teeth with fierce determination, and sometimes it is whispered in the back of her mind accompanied by a few tears after all her friends go upstairs to bathe their kids and she's left in the kitchen cleaning up alone.
So after some strong commiserating (which only other single girls can do properly), I verbalized what I've been very slowly working towards in my mind: I'm sick of online dating. I'm sick of instant messages that say "Hi Sexy, I can make u happy", I'm tired of mundane emails (yes, I like my neighbourhood, and no, my dog doesn't shed) and I'm really really tired of going on dates that I'm pretty sure are going to be a dud.
Now, you might say, that if I go on a date expecting it to be a dud, it probably will be. Karma, The Secret and mighty all-knowing Oprah would probably all agree with you. However, what I've learned is that I have pretty good date-dar. Every single time I've hesitated about going on a date with someone I've met online, I've been right. Every. Single. Time. And at the end of the day, there are only so many times that I can sit, looking at a date across the table, and wonder what the earliest I can end the date is. It's fatiguing, it's depressing and honestly, flat out annoying. I'd be much happier just dating my PVR.
My friend wondered if we should try a professional match-making service, like It's Just Lunch or something similar. My issue with that is the cost - some can run you $3000-$8000 - and honestly, if you don't have a guarantee on that kind of investment, I'd rather the money go towards new windows, which would probably bring me more joy and satisfaction in the end.
My single friend and I also discussed whether our single status had more to do
with being picky and expecting perfection, than luck of the draw. A good
friend once told me that I should go to therapy to figure out why I
couldn't land a man (which was vaguely insulting and mildly upsetting
at the time, but I got over it). Maybe there's a vibe or energy that
single women in their thirties exude, but I also think it has a lot to do
with this: I've got a great life. Good friends, strong career, own a
house and car, and am fairly independent. Maybe that's a bit
off-putting to the standard male (I vaguely recall an Oprah where some
guest talked about that - and her response was that women should
basically dumb it down a little and put away the expensive purses in
order to not threaten a man - seriously Oprah?) but I can't change who
I am.
I've struggled a bit with previous boyfriends in order to fit them in
my life, but mostly I think it was because I knew they weren't the
right guy, and that made everything a little harder. And I have worked
hard to get where I am - so I'm not going to settle for "just ok". I
get that no one is perfect, that compromise is essential - and I really
believe that when (if?) I meet the right guy, the over-arching
rightness will make the compromise worth it.
So, line in the sand. Closed the eHarmony account (Sorry Dr. Warren, I won't be dancing in any of your commercials with my perfect match anytime soon), and am removing the Lavalife profile. It's with a little sadness (why didn't it work for me?) and a lot of relief (thank god I don't have to deal with never-ending email exchanges anymore - I don't need any pen pals, thanks).
So as to not throw my mother into a wailing fit of "my daughter will be
single FOREVER...", I'm not going to cut off all possibilities. I'm
going all Zen and am just going to let what happens happen. If I
happen to run into a nice guy - I'll go on a date. If anyone out there
has a suggestion of someone I should meet, bring it on. However I do
ask that you follow a more rigourous criteria than just "alive, breathing + male = perfect blind date for Lara". Bring it on people,
just use a little bit of judgment in your selection.
Otherwise, I'm leaving it up to fate and chance. Over and out.
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